thanksgiving aka discussion of selectively frustrating family

I was always taught that if i wasn't challenging myself, then i wasn't growing. I have decided that this is the basis of my frustration when a young college student who is very clsoe to me informed me that the program in his college that he was interested in was super easy, but "fun." i cant decide if i am appalled or upset or mad... all of my friends have been overwhelmed with college a LOT, especially freshmen year. Although i don't want this freshmen to have a difficult time, something in my belief of LIFE or upbringing makes me feel like this freshmen is not having as successful of a first year experience as they could be. no homesickness, no class struggles (is this a poly thing?), zero freakouts. the worst thing that has happened to this freshmen is a little drama about 2 months into school. It also makes me a little happier that i am at a school that challenges me. this quarter i feel that i have not been challenged as much as i have been in previous quarters (as in i am currently a successful college student) Maybe i'm just used to things not being easy.

I think i'm very excited about this realization because it makes the past 3 years so worth it. Although i have been miserable at points, I am such a stronger person for it.

ripples and airplanes

So i have this belief that everyone that comes into our lives is here for a reason. hence, the following future excerpts from my airplane book.

1.) I met a couple on my flight from LAX to Vegas and they were incredibly in love, anyone could tell. she had a rock and i wanted to ask them everything about each other, but i didn't bc i wasnt in the mood to be that creepy stranger that i usually am. About half way through the flight i started talking to her and it turns out that they're both from SLO and the guy went to the same high school as me but 10 years earlier. how weird is that!? The reason I met these people, i have decided, is to keep me in a forward facing direction. sometimes stuff might stink, but true love exists. so cheers to the cutest couple i've ever me tin my life!


2.) today I am waiting at the Vegas airport for like a billion hours ( 7). I found an outlet for my computer but unfortunately i had to invade the understood one chair boundary of a guy to get to it. Naturally, sitting unfomfortably close to someone, we started talking. His name is Shaun. Turns out about 10 years ago, he lived in SLO too...how crazy is that. So we talked some. He was really nice, asked where i worked (it's like I'm famous). He was trying to get on standby and had been waiting for 2 days. he kindof seemed like the kind of person who has the same fml life as me. He had been partying in New York for the weekend and was just trying to get home! AND HE FINALLY DID! I was so happy for him! and this lesson, i decide, is about persistence. and also, if you are patient, you can get free stuff. or maybe, free stuff comes with a price. i'll decide when my deal gets bought. xoxo

here we go again.

<----- this might seem trivial but anybody who knows me to well will tell you that it took me a long time to be able to say the following statement out loud and/or type it and actually believe it: I DESERVE THIS!!!!!

so now that you're following me (all 1.5 of you), i ask one thing of you. if you do actually take the time to read this, take the time to think about it as well, and please feel no need to comment. i'd prefer introspection.


<3 nitty gritty.
list of things I am good at: -making people feel good (usually)
-annoying my father with commercially christmas-y joy
- cooking select recipes.


also, i would just like to say, that i am incredibly happy at this exact moment in my life. feeling appreciated by someone more than mom and dad is pretty great. I have a lot on my plate the next 7 weeks and i hope it doesn't interfere with what is really important. I also hope that what is really important doesn't interfere with me being a productive human being. I love purple crayons. I need to finish my pillowcases and buy more puff paint. Also Glee isn't as great as it used to be. I also want to keep planning to go to death valley in December because i am having major MAJOR with drawls. it's been like 3 years and that is not okay. Also this thing they call a roof over my head seems to be crushing the spirit out of me. I need some Chilly Peppers and some dirt in my coffee. xx please make this happen for me. That is all I want for Christmas. joy, dirt, and some acknowledgment from my parents that I am in fact, my own person. I think they're figuring it out with how much I'm working this quarter so that's kind of super exciting. But I still feel like I'm waiting to start my life, which i'm not sure I like. In a few months absolutely everything is going to change. Maybe not as much as I think. I already live on my own. I've learned how to (usually) not lose my key, I've learned how to clean a bender, I've learned that you're not supposed to melt crayons on the carpet or to car seat fabric. I've learned that it's usually not a good idea to drink too much when you don't have the available recovery time and food. I'm pretty sure those are the basics. But i've been in school for two decades, for my whole life. that's literally all I've ever known. I'm terrified but insanely excited to get into life and see what happens. eekk!

Pandora: "All I Want For Christmas is You"- Mariah Carrie Playlist

maine :/

http://www.boatmaine.us/calsingle.aspx?resID=3404

DARE TO FORGIVE AS GOD FORGIVES US

Who will you never forgive? Think of them at their VERY BEST. Use this mantra. Say it until you believe it. It may not work immediately, but a week, a month, a year from now, it will work. it is amazing.

see itunes store : All Saints Church Pasadena Sermons
12/24/09 J. Edwin Bacon, "God's Wonder Works Best in Our Darkness" see 17:00- 22:11

"What if in the Christmas event that God was saying to each one of us and the entire world:"

Affirmation to Forgive:
I forgive you completely and freely, I release you and let you go.
So far as I'm concerned, the incident that happened between us is finished forever.
I wish the best for you. I wish for you your highest good. I hold you in the light.
I am free and you are free, and all again is well between us.
Peace be with you.

What if in the ripple effect, this affirmation forgives and takes over the whole world?
you don't have to contact them, see them, let down defenses, or even like them, but your energy will change.

If you believe it, it can happen. I hope this helps one person.

today

today i decided that I mostly like myself. I know that i have a lot of things to work on, but the important part is that I like myself. 1/2 way there. i'll always have things to work on, but for now, i like me, issues and mess ups and all.

do i?

do i deserve better than you? there are people who make time for me, and see that it is important.

do i do the same thing that you are doing to me to people? i can't even imagine that being the case.

because i think you're it, youre great, you're the best. but the more things fall apart, the less i feel the way i want to feel and the less i feel the way i deserve to feel when i'm around who you are supposed to be for me.

your mind isnt made up so you just drag me on and tell me youre trying.

if you were trying wouldnt you be trying to make a decision? i'm not yours to use until you graduate and then move on with your life.

what am i to you?

i want to love you and i've gotta tell you, you make it pretty difficult.

________________________

What do you want to be when you grow up?-Purple

3/27/10

so i've never really been one to do what is expected of me. i try to go with the flow, but it usually just ends up being a little part of me and then i find my own way. aoii is a pretty good example of this. with that said, i have never had a stereotypical spring break...until now. and i would like to say, that there may have been a few upsets and some rocky conversations and some questionable decisions, but i don't regret any of them because at the end of the day, it will be the good stuff that i'll remember. I haven't gone anywhere simply to relax since i was 15. FIFTEEEEEEENNNN. that is ridiculous. I completely forgot about everything and the blows that did come from reality were almost muted. and my general calmness reflected back into the parts of reality that did come find me.

First, disneyland. well, i am incredibly sorry to say, and i'm sacred to write this down or say it out loud, but Disneyland has officially lost it's magic for me. i was not giddy OR excited and it kinda blew. except that i was there with hilarious epic amazing people. there were NO FIGHTS. WHICH IS UNREAL. and we just had a blast! it was kindof low key but also just, great. i'm so glad that i hung with the people that i did. I'm pretty sure it was fate. we were so great together. the fact that me and #1 had 17 fast passes at the end of the day was, i'll sound like my dad and say taht it was one for the books. how many did we use? we used them until the magic was gone and we were bored lol. i can't even count. nobody else would have stuck with it as long as we did either. it felt like we were squeezing the Disney sponge in all it's glory. and Bug's world was GREAT!!! I'M SO GLAD THAT EVERYONE ENJOYED IT AND THAT I GOT TO DO IT WITH two of the greeeeeatest girls ever. also being pseudo engaged was possibly the highlight of the trip. i've got to say that bc deciding that everyone we were with was our wedding party was perfect since they are all wonderful and that would be a dream for all of them to still be around whenever that happens. we got our own little gtc wedding which was perfect. Also lp's family was amazing and her dog is great! i wish my dog still had that much energy. I also happen to know a large portion of the OC freeways just as well as i do the LA freeways now, thank you parents needing 40000 car movements over the weekend.

after dland it was off to palm springs with the little! i thought i would be exhausted and not have the energy to make decisions or give imput, which ended up working out fine because we were with so many wonderfully opinionated girls :) so they were able to do most of the deciding and i was able to do mostof the riding along :) I spent three days sitting by the pool glistening (like that one?) while i stared at snow capped mountains and ate gold fish and drank icy things.

For now that is all. but it was really an incredibly epic spring break. no regrets, things happen, and i forgot how much i love heated pools :)

2/18/10

Who are my real friends?
Am I telling too many people too many things?
Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I have become an outgoing person because I am scared that if I dont make friends with people, nobody will go out of their way to make friends with me, and I am lost and not quite sure what to do. does this mean that I shouldn't be proud of my personality, knowing that it is a defense mechanism? And why does this bother me so much at all anyway?

Also, today i officially began my trek to convince my parents to let me go/help me pay for Spain for a whole fall quarter.This is all i could ask for for them. Also I'm thinking of something for lent, but I actually want to DO Lent, not just give something up and torture myself.

And also I am still completely absorbed by the Olympics. The media is doing such a great job of making everyone look like they all get along, I just wonder how much of that is true. HOWEVER, my romantic point of view has decided on the fact that they all love each other and I am in love with the fact that amidst all of the ridiculous government everythings, that we are still able to come together every 2 years and pull something as massive as the OLYMPICS off. It kindof helps to renew my faith in Humanity, much as WOW Team has done with my faith in my own generation.

Lastly, I know there are island people, and non island people. I wonder where the difference is created in life. Who are the puzzle doers and who is plugged in the most. What determines this and when in life does it happen? If it has been decided by 20 years, can it change later in life?

2/16/10 2:23

So i guess this is the first one. I stole this idea from my friend Katie. actually, she's one of my best friends. shes in london at LSE for the year and i have never been so jealous of anybody in my life. I'm doing cool stuff with my life, but she's out experiencing the world. But then, it's Katie, so it's expected.

and here i sit, pretending to experience the world via olympic events, sitting in front of my computer, planning world trips that i have to complete before i graduate from college and have worldly expectations placed on me by society. I'm scared to become a cog in American's culture of recently graduated college students. B.A. get's you nowhere for the win.it is the middle of the night and i've already seen all of these olympic events.

COULDN'T BE GLADDER THAT CHINA WON PAIRS FIGURE SKATING. I WAS HAPPIER THAT THEY WERE ONT HE PODIUM THAN THEY WHERE WHEN THEY WERE UP THERE.